By Matt Colaciello | March 19, 2024

Like every human being, gay men’s experiences are deeply colored by social norms, including those we unconsciously internalize—even when we sense the harm they cause us. Each of us has our own histories and ways of processing, but during my many years as a facilitator, educator, and coach, I've noticed patterns among gay men that merit a closer look as part of our journeys to self-actualization:

1. The Mask Of Being “Okay”

Perhaps the most common pattern I’ve noticed among gay men is our tendency to mask our true feelings, adopting a façade of being "okay" even when we're not. Though our “okay-ness” might look different from the emotional stoicism expected of straight men, it’s rooted in the same counter-productive belief that vulnerability is equal to weakness—and even a cause for shame. Though this coping mechanism may have helped us hold things together as children and adolescents dealing with homophobia, it denies us the opportunity to process and heal from our traumas as adults.

How We Address This: Acknowledging our pain and allowing ourselves to feel it deeply is the first step towards genuine healing. This starts with self-compassion, recognizing that it's perfectly human to not be okay and that our feelings are valid responses to our experiences. As you begin offering presence to difficult feelings, you are better able to cultivate relationships where vulnerability is allowed—and even celebrated. In my coaching sessions, we explore what’s getting in the way for you and work towards greater openness and self-awareness. We then develop strategies that help you embrace your life-as-it-is and truest self, turning vulnerability into a powerful tool for connection and healing.

2. The Pursuit Of External Validation

In a society that questions our worth both explicitly and implicitly, it's understandable that many of us seek validation through achievements, material success, and aesthetic perfection. This behavior is amplified on social media, where the perfect body, an impressive career, or a glamorous lifestyle garner admiration and likes. Deriving validation through external affirmation offers temporary satisfaction but it doesn’t address our deeper needs for self-acceptance and true purpose. The endless cycle of seeking approval distracts us from exploring and healing our inner selves. Recognizing this pattern for what it is doesn’t require casting judgment on ourselves or anyone else in our community; it’s about understanding our collective experience, and taking steps towards finding more genuine sources of self-worth and fulfillment.

How We Address This: Align your actions with what genuinely brings us joy and fulfillment rather than what you believe is expected of you. This shift encourages us to engage in activities and pursue goals that resonate with our authentic selves, blending our sources of happiness with our deeper life aspirations. In coaching sessions, I work with you to identify these areas of overlap, guiding you away from external validation towards self-driven satisfaction. By grounding your sense of worth in what brings you personal satisfaction and meaning, you naturally cultivate a more sustainable form of self-validation, one that nourishes your inner self and supports lasting happiness.

3. Using Sex To Compensate for Unmet Emotional Needs

The intersection of sex, pain, and healing is a complicated one for many gay men. While seeking connection, comfort, and fun, many of us find ourselves in patterns of sexual behavior that offer a temporary high but fail to address underlying feelings of loneliness, disconnection, and unworthiness. The journey to exploring and expressing our sexualities in truly fulfilling ways requires us to confront these deeper issues head-on. It's about understanding our desires beyond the physical act and recognizing sex as a potential pathway to intimacy—not just with others, but with ourselves. By acknowledging our need for genuine connection, we can begin to form relationships that are not only physically satisfying but also emotionally enriching. This process isn't easy, but it's incredibly rewarding, leading to a deeper understanding of our own worth and the value of intimate connections.

How to address this: Begin by cultivating emotional intimacy and self-awareness outside the bedroom. This involves creating spaces in our lives for open, honest communication about our needs, fears, and desires — with ourselves and with others. In my coaching, I guide clients towards building a robust inner relationship, one where self-love and acceptance pave the way for healthier, more meaningful connections with others. We explore mindfulness and self-reflection practices to better understand our emotional needs and how to communicate them, breaking the cycle of seeking validation solely through physical intimacy. Together, we work towards a holistic approach to sexuality, one where physical pleasure and emotional fulfillment are not mutually exclusive but are intertwined, enriching aspects of our lives.

4. Religious Trauma Blocking Spiritual Exploration

Exploring what it means to be alive and how we define the divine is the birthright of every human being. For those of us carrying religious trauma, however, spirituality can feel like a realm best avoided. But spiritual exploration can transcend organized religion and narrow-minded cultures, offering paths to healing and self-discovery that honor our full identities. Finding spirituality and community that resonates with our experiences can be a powerful tool for connection and self-actualization. And there are more and more affirming religious communities that offer refuges where LGBTQIA+ individuals can practice their faith.

How We Address This: Recognizing the hurt that religious trauma has caused is our starting point, seeing it as an important part of your personal story. From there, we explore what spirituality can mean beyond those experiences, finding simple, accessible ways that connect you to a sense of wonder, awe, and sacredness. In our sessions, I encourage you to explore everyday spirituality—perhaps finding a moment of peace in nature, the quiet mindfulness of a morning routine, or the connection felt in meaningful conversations with friends. We'll also look for welcoming communities where being LGBTQIA+ is celebrated as part of your spiritual journey. For those ready for something deeper, we venture into the places where mystical experiences meet personal revelations.

5. Narcissism & Borderline Personality Traits*

Traits of narcissism and Borderline Personality Disorder, which hinder self-awareness and growth, can emerge as defense mechanisms against a world that often doesn't see us. These may manifest as an exaggerated sense of self-importance, a deep need for attention and admiration, or patterns of unstable relationships that swing between idealization and devaluation. There may also be a pervasive fear of abandonment, leading to frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined separation or rejection. Working through these traits requires patience, compassion, and support, emphasizing the importance of feedback and reflection in our personal growth journeys. It's about recognizing these patterns not as faults, but as parts of our story that need understanding and integration, allowing us to move forward with a more balanced, secure, and compassionate view of ourselves and our relationships.

How we address this: We start by creating a safe, non-judgmental space where these traits can be explored without shame. This involves approaching them as responses to past experiences rather than inherent flaws. Together, we work on developing self-awareness through mindfulness practices and reflective exercises, helping to untangle the complex emotions and thought patterns that feed into these traits. Building on this awareness, we introduce strategies for emotional regulation, healthier communication, and more stable relationship dynamics. I support you in cultivating self-compassion and a deeper connection with your authentic self, gradually shifting from a place of self-criticism to one of self-acceptance and growth.

*Narcissistic Personality Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder are complex mental health conditions that require careful evaluation , diagnosis, and treatment by a licensed mental health professional.

6. Engaging With Community

Trauma from mainstream culture can lead some of us to withdraw from active participation in our broader communities. But engaging with and contributing to our communities can be a powerful form of healing and resistance, offering a sense of belonging and purpose that counters isolation and disconnection. Given our unique experiences with marginalization and resilience, gay men are in a prime position to contribute to the dismantling of patriarchal norms. Our empathy—born out of our own experiences of marginalization—equips us to advocate for those who are silenced and oppressed. By channeling our insights into action, we can help create more inclusive spaces that value diversity and challenge the status quo. Our voices, informed by the nuances of our experiences, can offer fresh perspectives on gender, sexuality, and equality, playing a vital role in the collective effort to heal and transform patriarchal culture. This active participation not only contributes to societal change but also enriches our own journeys, as we find deeper meaning and connection in the act of advocating for others.

How we address this: We start by identifying the communities and causes that resonate most with you, recognizing that your advocacy can take many forms—from volunteering and activism to simply being your authentic self in dialogue with others. In my coaching, I encourage you to explore what community engagement looks like for you, whether it's finding LGBTQIA+ affirming spaces, supporting queer youth, or engaging in broader social and environmental justice movements. We also work on building the resilience and confidence needed to navigate and contribute to these spaces, ensuring that you have the emotional and mental tools to engage effectively and healthily. Through active participation in our communities, we not only contribute to positive change but also reinforce our own sense of belonging and identity within a larger whole.

Coaching Can Help

Navigating these patterns can feel daunting, but you don't have to do it alone. As a gay male coach, I understand the challenges you face and I'm here for it all. My approach to coaching is built on empathy, understanding, and a deep commitment to supporting you on your journey of self-discovery and healing. I offer a safe, open, and honest space where you can define your journey towards authenticity, celebrate your achievements, and deepen your connections with others. In our work together, you’ll grow in your ability to embrace the true you, affirm your own worth, and cultivate meaningful relationships.

Individual sessions allow us to dive into your personal experiences, addressing past hurts and moving towards a future that feels authentically yours. Group sessions offer a different but equally valuable experience. They provide a sense of community and shared understanding, where we can learn from each other's experiences and support one another in our growth. It's a place where we can celebrate our diversity, share our challenges, and find common ground in our journeys.

If you're ready to take the next step towards healing, growth, and living a life that's true to who you are, I'm here to support you.

About the Author

Matt Colaciello is a holistic coach and educator, specializing in integrating mindfulness, spirituality, and Internal Family Systems (IFS) to support personal growth and mental health. With a diverse background that spans global human rights advocacy, Buddhist monastic training, and environmental policy, his approach is rooted in compassion and tailored to meet the unique needs of each individual.

Learn more about Matt